Feb 20 - Nov 10
the man, the myth, the legend.
February 20, 1990- November 10, 2022
Tys,
We met on a cold night in February a few years ago in the corner parking lot of that Royse city apartment. An apartment I struggled to keep as a single mom. Some grocery trips I had to choose between tampons and toilet paper. Yet, somehow I always found enough money to make my way to the bar and drown out the loneliness sip by sip. The Ramblin Rose in Rowlett, Tx was the only place I could silence my own self-loathing. Hindsight is 20/20. I became “friends” with the staff and the karaoke guy was my favorite. In that bar I could be anyone else but who I was. I could get on stage and sing the songs of my soul… the music suffocated the pain and the alcohol drowned the hurt. For most of my life I have felt shattered. Numb. Empty. Alone. Broken. Ugly. Unlovable.
After weeks of swiping left and right there you were, right in front of me. The man I had prayed for. FaceTimes and video messages later… Tall, handsome, and confident. I had finally found you or so I thought. It was your intellect that drew me in at first. We’d spent hours on the phone. I was captivated. You spoke of family, legacy and your life long dream of helping those less fortunate. I heard about your trip to Guatemala that changed your life. I heard about your successes and failures. You were always a man that learned from his mistakes. You worked hard to change them. I heard about your times as a Marine and I could tell just how much that adventure challenged and shaped who you were. I heard about your daughter, Malia, and her creativity. Your voice always changed when you spoke of her, it was filled with admiration but almost sadness… you weren’t that dad you wanted to be and that broke my heart for both of you. I heard about this little tiny home resort dream of yours. You spoke of your wife, Becca, with such respect and loyalty. You looked up to her and valued her mind and opinion. She was a person for you… the kinda person I’ve never had. The kind of person I didn’t know how to be. You LOVED her, that much was obvious. You guys had been together forever and I think maybe you both just got lost somewhere along your way. Kinda like we did.
What I heard that you didn’t say was how passionate you were about people, about everyone but yourself. That’s who you were Tyson. A beautiful mind with the most giving soul. You were chaotic at times but only because you had so much you wanted to do, so many people to help and so little time. We just didn’t realize then how little.
You came into my life steady, constant, and rock solid. You appeared firm in your faith and beliefs. You were strong emotionally, financially and physically. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I didn’t have to hold it all together alone anymore. I thought I had found a man that would ride or die and burn the whole goddamn world down if he had to for me and our family. I think at one point you might have. I really believe at one point you would’ve walked away from everything for us… or maybe that’s the narrative I play on repeat in my head so I can sleep at night.
The truth is… you weren’t my person. Writing those words may be the scariest thing I have ever done. My counselor says this letter will help me, but in the midst of putting this on paper all I feel is agony. It is a gut punch where the wind keeps getting knocked right out of me and just as soon as I start to breathe there it comes again.. I allow myself to feel and maybe I even bask in it because maybe I deserve it.. Maybe this is the universe's way of keeping score.
You weren’t mine. You were someone else’s. Maybe I took you from her or maybe you just never found her, idk… What I do know is that I wasn’t your person and you weren’t mine. I believed you were… I had faith in our plan and the man you wanted to be. I trusted your words… but the actions faltered. That’s ok Tys… I faltered too.
Our love was like a cancer… beautiful and deadly. Twisted in a chaos disguised as “happily ever after.” There were a few brief moments when I saw glimpses of the man I had met but those were fleeting. They came and they went… if you blinked they were gone.
I’m not sure if I am unlovable, or if you just didn't know how to love me or if there just wasn’t enough of you to share… You worked so hard to build your legacy, it was like you had something to prove with every move you made. Nothing was ever good enough. You tried and tried to help everyone live out their dreams and BEST life including me. You gave little pieces of yourself to every single person you knew and by the time you got home each night, there wasn’t anything left for you, me or the kids. The weed and alcohol robbed whatever normalcy we might have had and tainted those moments. I’m not even sure the sober days outweighed the self-medicated ones.
I so desperately wanted you to see me. I wanted to hold all your ugly so you could hold mine. I am selfish in love. Maybe I am selfish in general. Not because I want to be… I should've been more selfish with you and your heart. I should’ve loved you like I was asking to be loved. I should’ve seen you clearer. Learn to speak your language. I should’ve been more clear AND open. Maybe I should’ve never walked into your life.
I felt caught between what I believed love to be and what I know it to be now.
Over time, we just faded. Almost as quickly as we were lit.
We hurt and disappointed each other regularly.
I know I hurt you… I know our relationship was hard when I should’ve been the safest place in your life. I know I broke us sometimes…
The last 3 months of your life, our life together… were the hardest. I watched cancer consume my sister and ultimately lead to her passing away… and I saw my fun loving, giving husband, lover, and friend disappear. You stopped talking all together and when you did talk it never really made much sense. It was like you were speaking to me in a conversation you were having in your head. I couldn’t get you to eat. I couldn’t get you to sleep… You left Sutton on the bed and walked away, she was just a baby and couldn’t even walk yet. You showed up to Grayson’s football game but just sat in the truck staring onto the field. Tys, I was scared. I was so scared… and you were too. I knew if I could just get you to talk we could figure out. I would have lived with you in a car if it meant we figured it out together. I begged you to let me help. I force fed you dinner on multiple occasions. I rubbed your head until I fell asleep because that always helped you sleep. I did what I thought I should do but maybe I should’ve done something else. Maybe you’d still be here. Maybe I wouldn’t regret my existence.
Tys, I failed you. I failed our kids and family. I failed your family. I failed myself. I was so angry at you for so long… I just needed you to WAKE UP and see what was happening to our family. What was happening to me. What was happening around us… but you saw, you knew.. And I think you just couldn’t find your way out. I was selfish.
I think a lot of people are selfish and don’t even realize it. I think we all take for granted EVERYTHING all the time… Even when it’s taken away.. We may appreciate it then but nobody makes real changes. The pain fades and we are back to living our selfish ways. How many people do we know that simply enjoy their existence? Not many… doing the work is hard, having tough conversations are hard, self-reflection is hard, selflessness is HARD.
I found myself in my closed garage with the car running.. I wondered how long it would take. I wondered if it would hurt. I tried to imagine what you were feeling that day. That god awful day that plays repeat in my head.
“I just want to be near you today.” Those were the last words I heard you say. During the last 10 months the one question I get asked the most is “did you know?” Which in itself is such a horrific thing to ask a spouse grieving to suicide.
Those words in my own voice haunt my silence. All I can see when I take a moment to stop are the events of that day… over and over and over and over again. Like I’m watching from the outside looking in… it still doesn’t always feel real.
I was napping with the baby and woke up to a loud noise… I took a minute to come and get Sutton up.. Change her diaper and get her in “Shaker Jail.”
I went looking for you… called out your name… no reply.
Called out your name again “babe… babe.. Tyson Shawn..”
I walked towards the front of the house…
our home was covered in pumpkins and fall decor. It even smelled like fall…
You always took me to the hobby lobby every holiday. We spent that day together and you just ran around the store and let me be me… of course you continued to work but you were in my presence.
I walked down the hallway covered in Fall vomit and there you were… I found you…
You had a dog leash around your neck and you were propped up against the door between the wall…
I asked “Tyson what are you doing and laughed….”
I actually laughed.
“Babe, get up.”
“Tyson wake up.”
“TYSON.”
“THIS ISN’T FUCKING FUNNY TYS!!
It took me a minute to realize your eyes were closed and you weren’t moving. Tears started to pour down my face…
“baby please open your eyes…”
“Tyson, GET UP.”
“Tys, don’t go.”
“please Tyson……….”
I called Cayden, he told me to call the police. I called the police, help was coming… I called Angie, she was on her way. I called mom, she dropped everything to head to us.
I grabbed Sutton and went outside. I heard sirens and thought to myself “everything is going to be ok. They are going to save him. They are going to help him. It happens all the time.”
You’re inside, I’m outside, I was so confused… What is actually happening? NICKIE WAKE UP.. someone WAKE ME UP!
The police came out and I expect you to be with them… I expected someone to tell me you were ok… They started asking me all these questions I didn’t understand… All I could say was “I don’t know” and “so he is dead?” The cop responded like I was an idiot, “uh, yeah he’s dead.”
Then set in the dry heaving on the sidewalk
Dad has the baby, mom has me, there were police and detectives and paramedics and a judge… and cards…
I was handed so many fuckin business cards…
my phone wouldn’t stop ringing…
my heart was pounding through my chest, my hands were shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath.. I COULDN”T FUCKING BREATHE… everything hurt. Every fucking cell, or nerve or fucking atom in my body ached in agony. My skin hurt. My insides hurt. My outsides hurt… EVERYTHING fuckin hurt… agony isn’t even the right word… it was utter ache. I swear to god, I left my own body.
I was asked a million questions and I couldn’t tell you a single one of them.. My last memory of you has messed with my perception on what was what… I know it’s up to me to not let that day take the place of all the other beautiful days you made sure we had… but it’s there, like a shadow… never far.
I walk around with a body covered in words… covered in lessons… covered in stories so I never forget.
I sat in anger and hatred for months. I SAT in it. It was like I died with you that day but they forgot to bury me.
The past few months I have dissected each and every moment with you… the good, the bad and the ugly…
Grief has played tricks on my mind... it allowed me to imagine what things would be like… as if we had control over them. If I could exchange time or moments for something better or at least “more fair.” This seemingly simple daydreaming process carries so much weight. Spending time thinking about how things could be different- if only this, if only that- has sent me down an inevitable rabbit hole of distress… I have so much to say… so much regret and so many I’m sorry’s, but as I began to write this letter it feels less like an inconsolable cry into the void and more like a comforting conversation.
I am through the hardest part… the loss of you has ripped apart what I thought life should look like. It has fucked through my ego and starved my pride… I KNOW now… exactly what love should look like. I know I must eb and flow with people. I know that if I want to be seen I must first SEE. I must seek first to understand and then to be understood. I know I will NEVER go to bed angry, upset or unsure. I now know the weight of regret isn’t worth a single thing else. I now know that the hard conversations are ALWAYS worth it. I now KNOW I will do my damndest to see everyone. I now know each moment I am with anyone is precious and to make the most of it. I know now I am in control of myself and nobody else is. I now know that even 1 hour is too long to sit in the suck. I know selflessness isn’t a characteristic.. It’s a habit.. One you have to work hard at everyday.
Thank you for your great warm heart and for the wonderful smile and the big hugs that went with it. Yours was a heart that was spacious enough to create a home for mine and had ample room to spare for everyone else who came into your life. Love was central to you. Your ability to connect to people was astonishing and not something I completely understood. There were no strangers for you, it seemed, only friends you hadn’t met yet. You reached out for everyone, every time. You were infectious. You were sunshine. You were light.
I am so so very sorry and am forever grateful for the role you’ve played in my life and the role your death played in who I am today. I am so thankful for the lessons you’ve taught here and while in heaven. I’ve lost so much.. We lost so much… I’m tired of regret… it’s the heaviest thing to carry… and it’s avoidable.
You taught me love is easy. It’s a choice… It starts with your insides and the light just finds its way to others. Not everyone I meet will understand… some will call me “too much” or “too sensitive” or “stupid” and that’s ok… I tried life the other way and it was only hurting me and the people I care most about.
I tried screaming into the empty…. I tried self-medication with more than just alcohol.. My lap holds the weight of an elephant and 10,000 tears… this isn’t what you’d want… so for now, I can attempt to let go of the control I so desperately try to grasp onto. I can limp with grief and dance with joy all at once, I don’t have to choose anymore. I weep and smile at the same moment... A once confusing struggle these two emotions have become so deeply webbed inside of me they are no longer opposites, they are one. As I continue to walk, I will do so with my head held high and my eyes toward the light… your light... all in the name of the love that we created together and the love we should've had. For I now know, you can change the world with a powerful love story. Life is life baby..