“I love the way he loves you.”

Loss. This has been something my family has experienced a lot of over the years…. but this loss, the loss of Tyson has hit my heart with the weight of 1000 titanics. I’m not ready, I was supposed to go first, we talked about it.

It’s taking everything in me not to run straight into the darkness… I’m choosing to run towards the light because I know even though I didn’t always see it, Tyson saw light inside me. He did that you know, saw a light in everyone.

I have a few people I want to address today, and I hope you all know that while my heart hasn’t always been open to everyone here, I stand before you today shattered wide open. All the pieces to my soul in which Tyson spent years carefully placing back together lie on the floor at your feet. Here in this moment, these words are meant to bind whatever separates us.

To his family and friends, I’m so sorry I didn’t spend more time with you, I am not someone that lets people in and even the friends I have now spent years consistently worming their way into my life… and from the deepest part of my heart I am so sorry I didn’t see him more clearly that day. It just felt like another bad day, our home had a lot of those over the past few months… and I’m just so sorry.

Malia, I want you to know that although your time with your daddy was cut short, he has big plans to keep watching over you. He will be the sun that hits your face and the wind that blows your hair. That little voice in your head saying “Malia go for it, you’re Gunna be great” that’s your dad. Sweet girl, your dad loved you so much and he will always be with you. When you miss him, squeeze your mom tight or come get a hug from Sutton... she will be our little piece of Tyson heaven on earth. I know she will need her big sister to tell her all the crazy stories of their dad. I want to thank you for bringing so much love into our home… and for making your dad get pink polish on his toes anytime we got our nails done. He spoke often of your creativity and brilliance… he always told me your ability to argue any point was something he gave you. He took pride in your curiosity. And I promise he will always be in your shadow.

Becca, I want to thank you for loving Tyson the way you did. This is hard to say out loud, but Tyson loved you very much. Your mind, your art, the memories, and your words. I envy that you got to love him longer. Thank you for always being a safe place for him to land. Thank you for being able to speak Tyson language when I couldn’t.

Cayden, I think you know exactly how Tyson felt about you but what I know, boils down to is pride… Tyson was so proud of you and the man you’d become. He spoke of this often, usually referencing some ridiculous childhood memory. You had become his best friend and I am grateful for all that you’ve done for him. Thank you for carrying the weight you could while you could. I’m afraid the weight on your shoulders just grew tenfold… but please remember you have an audience here today full of people that will hold you up when it all just feel too heavy to carry alone.

Ralph,

One of my favorite places in the world is up in the airplane with, Tyson respected you so much and he may not of told you very often but he looked up to you like a father.

Willie,

Tyson would compare himself to you and your kindness. I know working together wasn’t always easy but he loved your heart… I know things at the resort could be chaotic but would want you to know the love he had for you.

Jamie, while I didn’t really understand the relationship you two had at first… From you rolling your eyes at him and you guys fighting like brother and sister to Tyson calling you at 2 am for some ridiculous report you had already sent him. You two had something special and I know you were one of his most trusted friends. Thank you for being someone who believed in him always… even when he drove you nuts!

Karly, Sky, and little Cayden I want to thank you for bringing out the boy in Tyson. When he was around you all… he just couldn’t help himself and he loved every second of time he spent with you. With you guys he was care free and a kid again. I pray you hold those memories close, I know he did. You

Miranda, I know you two didn’t talk as often as either of you would like but I need you to know that those short facetimes meant everything to him. Each one ended with a compliment of your character and a desire to know you more. Tyson loved you big babe.

James Eugene’s, Elliot, Miranda, Vick and Amy… you were the few that had texted Tyson, just to see how HE was doing the past few weeks. I know most of those texts went unanswered but thank you for sending them. I know they meant something.

I’m so thankful to the people who saw the man behind the resort, he needed that more than anyone knew.

I want to encourage everyone to talk about Tyson often as someone, as some one watching two little girls grow up without a father… I promise you it helps.

Tys,

�Grief has played tricks on my mind... its allowed me to imagine what things would be like… as if we had control over them. If I could exchange time or moments for something better or at least “more fair.” This seemingly simple daydreaming process carries so much weight. Spending time thinking about how things could be different- if only this, if only that- has sent me down an inevitable rabbit hole of distress… I have so much to say… so much regret and so many I’m sorry’s, but as I began to write this letter it feels less like an inconsolable cry into the void and more like a comforting conversation. Today you would’ve woken up with “mover shaker” and let me sleep in... Your clothes would’ve been left next to the side of the bed like they were every morning, and you’d have 57 different cups on the counter... literally next to the trash can. Shaker would probably be strutting only her diaper watching Cocomelon in the living room. You would come into the bedroom and scratch my back several times while I was asleep in hopes of waking me up soon because “you just couldn’t wait until I was ready to be up.” I would’ve woken to Grayson giving you a hard time about drinking ALL of HIS the orange juice or drinking from the jug... ew. You would’ve asked me what my plans were for the day, and I would’ve given you the same answer I’ve given you ever Saturday for almost 3 years... “absolutely nothing.” We would laugh about it and kiss good morning. You would follow me around the house driving me nuts all day because you “just wanted to be near me.” If you were doing that today knowing what I know now, it wouldn’t drive me nuts. In fact, it would never drive me nuts again.

In this moment I am living in the unknown. Navigating uncharted waters. I’m scared and I don’t know what happens next. You’d be so angry with me if you knew the conversations I’ve had with my reflection.

Because I am sure you will continue to read everything I write, I have somethings I want you to know.

The first being that I love you. I have been hard to love at best… but boy did we have love. I have no words that could describe my gratitude for loving me the way you did. So many people have said that to me over the years “I love the way he loves you.” And you did babe. All of me to my very core. The good days, the bad days, the ugly days, and each day in between. IDK that a man has ever loved a woman like you’ve loved me, it was steadfast and unconditional. This didn’t mean that we had no arguments or fights because BOY DID WE. We could get furious and enraged at one another. Go storming out of the room tearing out our hair. We hurt and disappointed each other sometimes weekly. When our shadow sides, born of the traumas of our lives erupted... we could be terrifying… but nothing could damage our underlying love. I don’t think there could be a greater gift than your love for me. But you “always knew I was out there…somewhere”

Next, I thank you for your great warm heart and for the wonderful smile and the big hugs that went with it. Yours was a heart that was spacious enough to create a home for mine and had ample room to spare for everyone else who came into your life. Love was central to you. Your ability to connect to people was astonishing and not something I completely understand. There were no strangers for you, it seemed, only friends you hadn’t met yet. You reached out for everyone, every time. You were infectious. You were sunshine. You were light.

I had to tackle our garage the other day and babe… it SUCKED. Everyone of your backpacks… all 27 of them have a story. They each have a memory more vivid and painful than the last. This past Thursday, a week since I found you, I was met with many of your letters… I read them over and over, held them close to my heart. I am so thankful that this is all much bigger than we are, and that God’s plan is bigger than our own. I know you have work to do on the other side of the rainbow.

I have tried screaming in to the empty…. My lap holds the weight of an elephant and 10,000 tears… this isn’t what you’d want… so for now, I can attempt to let go of the control I so desperately try to grasp onto. I can limp with grief and dance with joy all at once, I don’t have to choose anymore. I weep and smile in the same moment... a once confusing struggle these two emotions have become so deeply webbed inside of me they are no longer opposites, they are one. As I continue to walk, I will do so with my head held high and my eyes toward the light… your light... all in the name of the love that we created together. For I now know, you can change the world with a powerful love story. Life is life baby..

-all my love, your Nickie.